Darling
by awesomesen
Summary: When you grow up with something so constant, you think it’s normal. If you need glasses and don’t have them, you don’t think ‘I can’t see well.’ You think ‘everyone sees the way I do.’' [one shot, rated for adult themes and dark content. gen.]


_Thanks to Sophia Prester for beta reading for me, she has - for the record - mad beta skills that nicely compliment my mad spamming skills. She makes this 'fic shiny._

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_ Darling_

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'Niichan was six years older then she was, so it had probably been going on before she could notice. It was likely, in fact - although it disturbed her _now_, when she was still in kindergarten she had thought nothing about it. It had only occurred to her when she was fifteen or sixteen that the words had been in her memory forever - the words, the smell of hot water, the click of a lock and the dark red lipstick of Mama.

_How old were you the first time you realized something was off?_

It wasn't like that. When you grow up with something so constant, you think it's normal. If you need glasses and don't have them, you don't think 'I can't see well.' You think 'everyone sees the way I do.'

When she was five or six, though, she had wanted to play with 'Niichan. He was always _very_ nice to her, even though he was eleven or twelve at the time, right on the cusp of a cycle of girl hating by way of cooties. He was a good brother, he always had been. She had gotten a bouncy ball at school, one of those big plastic ones, and had wanted to play with 'Niichan, but Mama had smiled and said the words. It was the first time they had ever interrupted something, cut into something she wanted to do with 'Niichan, and she remembered being upset. Mama had promised that 'Niichan would play later.

"Not now, darling. 'Niichan and Mama are playing together, now." Those were the words. Her Mama always said them so nicely. Sometimes she'd say to her "excuse me," or "Wait here," or "watch this movie," but she was always called Darling, no matter what. Even her 'Niichan started saying it eventually. They were not a family of names.

_Did your mother ever abuse you?_

Mama never touched Darling, not in an inappropriate way. She was kind to Darling, brushed her hair, hugged her, and read her bedtime stories. She'd make very good lunches and every day ask what was going on in school. Mama would smile at Darling, and tell her she was lucky to be so pretty, even though Mama herself had long, long blonde hair that shone in the sun. Darling thought she was the best Mama ever, but she also knew that 'Niichan was the favorite child. She got a little jealous sometimes…

She wouldn't have called it abuse, though, not until after the accident. Even when she was in middle school, starting to learn about sex and sexuality, it never occurred to her that 'Niichan and Mama might be having an inappropriate relationship… and by the time she was old enough to know what sex was, 'Niichan was well over the age of consent. It was something she had grown up with, the hot water and the locked bedroom, and 'abuse' was made out to be so wrong, so unusual. This was _very_ usual to her, so it never even occurred to her that it might not be.

'Niichan certainly never complained. 'Niichan was a handsome teenager; polite, kind, smart. She loved him very much - _not_, mind you, in the way Mama did. Just in the way a little sister would love her wonderful older brother. 'Niichan would talk to her, ask her about herself. She supposes now that he was checking up on her, making sure Mama wasn't doing anything to her or saying anything odd, but at the time… Well, you know. Nothing seemed odd. 'Niichan took her out to lunch and dinner. Her friends thought he was her older boyfriend. They were always surprised to hear he was her 'Niichan.

'Niichan was never angry; he never fought Mama, either physically or verbally. He had an odd way of seeing, like he was watching the world through glass or underwater, distancing himself from everyone while still being interested in them. Even after he moved out, he'd still visit every weekend, and Darling would be asked to do her homework while Mama and 'Niichan went to the bedroom.

She felt later that she was being abused, that her entire life had been one big abuse. It was what led her to see psychiatrists, tell her story, get counseling. Even though Mama had never ever abused her or let her see anything inappropriate (when she started reading girls' manga, Mama used to check the magazines first, to make sure there wasn't anything inappropriate inside), she felt that she _had_ been abused. It was silly. 'Niichan never complained, and who knew how long _he_ had been abused.

_You don't have to feel like that. By growing up in a household like that, you certainly were abused. The fact that your mother never harmed you physically does not change that you were_ mentally _abused for eighteen years._

It was just that he never complained. If 'Niichan said even once, 'I hate that Mama did this to me, I hate that she's done this since I was little,' that would be different. She felt sometimes that she was feeling the hurt on his behalf, and sometimes like she shouldn't be feeling it at all. The police had told her, after they first learned of what had happened, that it must be horrible to have grown up in such a household. She had researched, gone to a library and read books, and it was only after she knew why it was wrong that she had started to feel like she had been hurt, like the guilt was forcing her to feel the way she was.

_That is a normal reaction. You are simply dealing with shock and guilt as an after effect of years of abuse, as I am sure your brother is as well._

_Now. You mentioned hot water?_

After Mama and 'Niichan were done, 'Niichan would go take a shower. It was more then a just getting clean thing, though. If she went to take a shower later, there would be hardly any hot water left. When you walked down the hall past the bathroom, your glasses would fog up just from the steam that escaped under the door. 'Niichan would stand under the shower for hours, just stand there. If you checked the bathroom after he left, the soap would hardly be wet and the shampoo wouldn't even have been touched. 'Niichan just stood under the hot water, staring at it in that way of his, and after a certain point he'd just turn it off and get dressed. The house was pretty small, and her bedroom was right across from the bathroom. When he opened the door, you could breathe and feel the steam in your mouth. Every single time.

When he took normal showers, in the morning, they'd last fifteen minutes or so.

_What happened when you were eighteen?_

'Niichan got a girlfriend. She thought her name was Mitsuko, Michiko, or something like that, and when Mama found out, she was very amused. Mama laughed and told 'Niichan to bring Mi-chan over, and was very polite to Mi-chan. Mama joked and laughed and said she was pleased that 'Niichan had a girlfriend, that 'Niichan was a late bloomer and it was about time he found someone. When Mi-chan left, Mama and 'Niichan went upstairs while she did the dishes. By this time, she had figured out that if she wanted to do anything - laundry, dishes - that needed hot water, you should do them as quickly as you could before 'Niichan took his shower. She had almost finished when 'Niichan came downstairs.

It was the first time ever that 'Niichan hadn't taken a shower first…

_Then what happened?_

She asked 'Niichan what was wrong, and he had smiled. His smile looked like his eyes, like it was underwater and far away. 'Niichan said, "I'm sorry for always using up all the hot water." She replied that it was okay, she didn't like taking very hot showers anyway (a lie, but she loved her 'Niichan very much and didn't want him upset).

_Then what happened?_

'Niichan kissed her forehead, and gave that water-smile again. "I like water, you see. I like to stand under the water and let it fall over me. Water gives people life, but it kills people, too. Water is the most important, powerful thing there is. So I enjoy standing under the water, with my eyes closed. Anything can happen then, and I wouldn't care. I don't care."

_Then_

Then 'Niichan smiled again, and said to her, "Excuse me, darling. Mama and 'Niichan are going to play together, now."

The death was ruled suicide. Police suspected 'Niichan had something to do with it, but there was no sign of a struggle, no bruising or anything. Mama had just been found in the bathtub, naked, drowned. Police didn't pursue the matter further, they didn't want to. Who could blame a young man for hating his mother, especially when she had been sexually abusing him since he was seven? With no obvious evidence, they let the matter rest.

_what happened?_

'Niichan was told to get counseling, but he didn't go. He gave the business cards to his dear younger sister instead, and told her that if she felt she needed to talk to someone about everything, she should. That her health was very important to him, and he wanted her to be all right.

Because, you see, 'Niichan is a wonderful older brother.

* * *

It was warm for early spring, Tomoe noted, using her hand to shade her eyes from the sun. Tokyo was crowded - more so then usual - thanks to the weather, children running about, girls in school uniforms walking in clusters, adults walking as quickly as they could manage, eyes on the pavement before them, trying to ignore everything but their cell-phones.

"Tomoe-chan!" someone shouted, and Tomoe turned to see her brother jogging up from behind her, smiling. "There you are," he said brightly, brushing a few strands of blond hair out of his eyes. "You ran late. I was starting to think I had missed you." 'Niichan put his arm around her waist, casually, leading her back the way he came.

"Now then, my Darling, how was Mr. Shrink today? Nosy as ever, I trust?"

Tomoe smiled. "That's his job. Thank you for waiting."

"Hmm. My Tomoe-chan doesn't need help. Her brain is doing marvelously on its own," 'Niichan replied, smiling down at her. They were siblings, but they didn't look much alike - he was tall and blond, she short and dirty blonde at best. As they passed one flock of high-school girls, Tomoe heard one whisper to a friend: "Look at those two. I wish I had such a good-looking boyfriend!"

When they reached the corner, 'Niichan turned to her, kissed her forehead, and asked her if she - if Darling Tomoe-chan - wanted to go out to lunch.

If you need glasses and don't have them, you never think 'this is wrong.' You'll simply think, 'this is the way everyone sees.'

After all, what could be wrong between a brother and sister who love each other so much?

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End file.
